You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The beer is more important than you right now.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
