I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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