i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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