My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
