My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
