2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
