Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
