I think my fart just growled at me.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
