Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Randomize