i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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