I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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