dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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