Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
