i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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