My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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