90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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