tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
