i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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