Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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