just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
