I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I could fuck to npr.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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