then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
