I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I could make wine with my vomit
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
