Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
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