This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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