She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
