I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
