also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
