Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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