so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We just shotgunned beers for America
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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