One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
3pm strippers are depressing
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
