just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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