You really coming over, don't trick.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
