I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
