do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Randomize
