woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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