i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
