just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
