If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
