this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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