She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
