Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
COCAINE IS GR8
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
