I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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