Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
