Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
