gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
