Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
