if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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