So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
