Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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