GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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