checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
