There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
